Musica!

“It is cruel, you know, that music should be so beautiful. It has the beauty of loneliness and of pain: of strength and freedom. The beauty of disappointment and never-satisfied love. The cruel beauty of nature, and everlasting beauty of monotony.”
-- Benjamin Britten, English Composer

I am falling in love with classical music.

Perhaps it's Nodame Cantabile that has opened my heart to classical music. I'm almost convinced our tastes change with age. I'm now listening to 'ave maria', and I feel my soul drawn into it. I really wonder what Bach was feeling and thinking of when he composed this piece. A perfect piece for a quiet night like that. A wonderful christmas night.

I must thank HX for that conversation we had on saturday.. I'm so inspired to pursue music. Music has always had a big place in my life, and all my life, i've only been a pursuer, a listener of music. I think it's time i took this further to bring the level of music appreciation to a higher level. Well, I had a little experience in music when I was in primary school (I'm not refering to the recorder lessons). I remember going to an english music teacher's house for piano lessons when i was primary 1 (i think). Unfortunately it didn't last for long. Don't get me wrong - it's not that i didn't like piano lessons. On the contrary, i enjoyed playing the piano! It was just that I was totally put off when my teacher told me that I had to take music exams. I wanted to pursue it for entirely leisure purposes, so exams were totally out of the question. So i dropped piano lessons.

Thinking back, it's funny cos i still had to take music exams in school. Well, at this stage in life where i am finally free of the woes of exams, i suppose i don't mind taking music exams. Shucks, i just miss the times in university where i had such easy access to musical performances by our own school orchestras, as well as all the other accomplished musicians who put up a show for the night during their tour around the state. And it cost only $5 for a performance. What a great way of spending the fri/ sat evenings - imagine having a sandwich at Panera bread (my fav bakery) and heading down to the school of music for 2 hours of 'take me out of this world' experience. I was also really comfortable catching such performances alone if my friends couldn't join me.

Anyway, i'm still considering whether i should take up violin or piano. Either way, it won't fulfil my secret dream of playing in an orchestra. Well, maybe it would come true if i actually unravel a hidden musical talent in me, if any at all. Awwww. Dreams often remain dreams, but i'll nevertheless never cease to dream. Speaking of secret dreams, i've so many i think i lose focus easily. For example, top gun's "the need for speed" always stuck with me - i wished i was a fighter pilot. And even before that, i dreamt of being the top martial arts pugilist - the traveling lone ranger who saves the damsels in distress and fights for justice - Even in my dreams, i could almost feel my blood boil in the face of injustice. Then again, I don't always have to be the hero -- 'Twilight' just totally rocked - damn, i wish i was Edward cullen (ps. and i was swooning at the baseball scene.) In short, i dream of being that special one, and preferably an underdog. Hah. Among other dreams that come and go are the likes of being a world-class ice-skater, musician (oddly my dreams didn't indictate any inclination towards a particular instrument, but i know horns are clearly out.), artist, food n wine connaisseur, writer. It's funny. I'm a true-blue engineer for physics n numbers used to get me high (speaking from the girl who put a picture of einstein at my desk when i needed inspiration during my O level period) yet I dream of such artsy fartsy stuff. I guess I'm just weird this way. =)

****
Anyway, Back to Nodame Cantabile. My heart goes all out to Nodame. Somehow, I see a bit of me in her. Oh and one perfect illustration of this speaks for itself in the name of this blog 'verbatose' - a fragment of my imagination that such a word existed. The realist would say 'dude, you just don't know a word you're saying'; the philosopher would say 'now that's interesting, relating back to freud's theory on dreams, this blurred memory could be traced to a childhood memory ...'
****

Pardon me if i've turned into a Ninja this christmas. I just need to be away, alone in my own world for a while to reflect on a number of things.

Well, nice.

I am happy. Suddenly, I feel like I've got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow, got the string around my finger, what a world, what a life.. =)

My favourite holiday season is coming!! YESHHH Christmas!! I miss a white christmas. Well, I've already taken my leave, but I'm still considering whether I should go on a solo trip to some faraway place just to experience a white christmas. Now, a white christmas would be nicee, but a solo one would be kinda sad. Haha we'll see.

I miss being on course, really. Perhaps I surprised myself a little, for this time, my focus was quite different this time round. I wanted to do away with all the silly expectations I imagined others had of me, and I just wanted to learn and have fun. Perhaps I could have put in more effort into studying, but I think I'd be missing the point altogether. And I'm really happy to have known really great people and to have made a couple of good friends.. I really didn't expect that given the short duration of the cse. I'm pleasantly surprised. =) (I used to be kinda skeptical that real friendships can be forged at the workplace that is flooded by overly-pragmatic people.. or maybe, i just didn't take the leap to get to know them better.) Nevertheless, my point is that I think I've found that balance I've been searching for all this while to put focus on the right areas, the right areas being those that I'm at peace and happy with.

On another note, there have been a couple of things I've been thinking about:

Am I really XX (my age ;P)? What comes along with getting older & being older, and what doesn't? Does age difference actually mean anything?

I've always been unconsciously searching for a book that had a great impact on me when I read it in uni days. I had bought it twice, only to have given both of them away to the people I cared about then. As I get into my contemplative mood again, I started to search online for that book, but failed terribly with a vague memory of the author's name - I only remember a 'max' in it, and the only other clue was that it was a christian book. Yes, a christian book - again I surprised myself. I suppose that was the time when I seriously considered taking to christianity. Over time, I realised what had drawn me to talking to some of the most-pious christian friends about spirituality & like (and of course leading myself into thinking it may be the right religion to follow ) was really about being able to have 'deep' conversations about life. Anyway, I digress. I came across that book today! It has been close to 5 yrs! Excitedly, I took up the book and flipped through it. But as I browsed through the book, it became increasingly foreign to me. I started to question what kind of impact I expected from having found the book, 5 years later. Was it to relive that moment of 'enlightenment' that had dawned upon me 5 years back? Then, the next question was whether it would have another great impact on me again. Of course, this may sound crazy, but this is unlike the typical experience one might have if one was to read about some ingenious n witty insights/ viewpoints in an essay. What this book offered me then was a close to spiritual experience, then. Hella, the practical devil part of me set in as I started to weigh the unknown outcome against the opportunity cost for parting with twenty bucks on an unknown outcome. Haha, of course my friend had a good laugh witnessing the entire episode. (Heya, A, though I think I 'trained' u to be the best runner in our coy back then, thanks for standing by me, and thanks again for the good conversations =) ) Anyway, so I finally decided to take a gamble again and buy it. Oh yes, I just found another good reason for buying books - I am a strong believer of the chinese phrase "wen1 gu4 zhi1 xing1". Hah!

The last is this passage i've come across many times:

~~~~~
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said, "Watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
And Watson said, "I see million and missions of stars."
Holmes said, "And what does that tell you?"
And Watson replied, " Astronomically it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Sherlock says, "Watson you fool. Somebody stole our tent!"
~~~~~

It never fails to set me pondering about many, many things each time, and of course with nothing less than a burst of laughter. =D


******
Seriously, reality is creeping back. Haha, not that I don't like it, it'll be interesting at the very least.

So today I was at the ops room waiting for my turn to go into the meeting. It suddenly struck me that I still did not know the duty forecast for this month (well, I haven't been clearing my already flooded mailbox while on cse).
Feeling lucky, I asked B: "Can you help me check when i'm scheduled for duty this month?"
B: "I can't remember, lemme check..." *hear the ruffling of paper* "... oh yes, your duty is tom."
* Silent pause*
B: "err... is it ok?"
Me: "Do I have the option of saying no?" * and I smiled*

I feel like a winner. This happens all the time. I must thank my lucky stars that it wasn't scheduled for the previous weekend.

I am tempted to say that we innately do not have an appetite for failure to the point that even if blatant signs of failure are laid in front of you, you still don't recognise it. Was just reading up a little on Powell Doctrine, and it got me thinking about the 'Six Days of War' by Michael B Oren. It was an interesting story that approached the subject from the political angle. Bottomline, it was a major failure at the start when they could not decide on whether to take military action while negotiations were ongoing, yet they had to gear up their military guys to prepare them to take a quick and decisive offensive action if and when the go-ahead is given. Now, that, in our context is really beyond me to comment. It always seems we're so focused on coming up with formulas for success that we just ignore the other aspect of recognising failure. So what does it mean to know that you've exhausted all options? No doubt, being situationally aware helps as alarm bells can be sounded early, but how do u know when or what is the breaking point?

Growing up in a spoon-fed environment where everything is initiated for you doesn't help. Of course we can quite effortlessly churn up some textbook model answer, but knowing when to exercise the options seems somewhat lacking... I hope i'm just making sweeping statements.

Anyway, today's run was alright. Finished in 1hr - fairly decent. It was interesting that the instruction sheet advised us to have 8 hrs of sleep the night before. My thought then was "so what's the scientific reason behind the magic number 8.. why not 7?" I think I must be going mad.

That said, I gotta stop swearing unconsciously under my breath (to myself)... =( That said, there are a couple of things that (absolutely) gets on my nerves:
1. Bad drivers flooding the roads (males and females alike)- they don't signal when they cut into your lane causing you to brake suddenly, not keeping to their lanes, stopping/ parking along already narrow roads.
2. People who try to squeeze their way into the mrt even before you can step out of it - Don't they understand that the mrt has a limited capacity?
3. Rude people

I hope the list doesn't grow over time.

Break-time

Here I am, staring at the pile of manuals on my table and pondering over how an element of 'surprise' can be achieved. As of now, all scenarios discussed are hypothetical situations whereby we are told how an element of surprise can be achieved - but here's the catch - probably everyone's told the same thing. So do I flip the coin and deduce that since u think I will go with A, and I knowing that u think that I will go with A and that you would exercise B, I will go with A so that your option B is no longer effective... This can go on in neverending circles, with an increasing number of opportunites for (mis)judgement, how then shalt one move ahead?

I am almost entirely tempted to say that Sun Tze knows it best 'know thy self, know thy enemy'. It really boils down to how much you really know who you are up against - is he the typical 'law-abiding' Yes man, or is he the one who relentlessly finds ways to prove that other methods work.

To a fledgling, a methodical and systematic way of analysing situations definitely helps him/her to get 'initiated' to a new concept/system. The downside of it is that often, one just keeps it as that and takes it wholesale to become part of a routine. To him, it becomes a systematic way of knowing what Actions need to be taken, so an expected outcome can be achieved. This, I think is one of the greatest traps of systemising things... Yes it is definitely convenient and good for keeping things running, but yeah, the onus is really on oneself to push the boundaries further and introduce an element of creativity and innovation.

My greatest takeaway this week is that of understanding and witnessing how principles can be so versatile and enduring. I'd imagine that it has taken historians / SMEs decades to refine these principles so they can be 'universally' applicable (now again, this demonstrates once again how we humans are such victims of habits and pursuers of the ideology of 'one-fits-all').

Thus far, if anyone is to ask me what this course is about, the answer would definitely be that it is a test of my Adversity Quotient. I find myself in a situation where what I've experienced or observed have come to greater use than ....... well, I better buck up and study real hard... like NOW!! I feel the 'lazy dog' side of me setting in again. One thing I really got to work on is sustaining and pacing my own energy level. I enjoy the adrenaline-rush, but so far, I find that my energy level becomes like a flat tyre after the whole episode is over. Not good at all. I still wanna experience that adrenaline-rush, and turnover in say, 2 days i.e. weekend.. too tall an order? Recently, the focus of my weekend is to maintain that 5:2 work-life balance that is entirely 'work' fr mon-fri n 'life' over the weekend. I feel guilty though cos there are actually lots of goodies that I've spotted over the weekdays but haven't had the time (energy rather) to do a little research n internalise. Sighhh, there goes my forever-expanding list of things-to-do. *helpless*

Hmm, that 5:2 work-life balance was a spin-off from a joke I heard one the first day of the course, which was incidentally a friday. The instructor jokingly said that we'd still get our work-life balance even if we stayed behind a while more after office-hrs since it's a 1-day work to a 2 day weekend for this week. Haha very funny, i nearly dismissed it as a bad joke. ;) Thinking back, maybe it's not a bad idea! Let's expand on this - say it's a given that friday is a work day - well of cos most people would be motivated cos TGIF, the weekend's here! So now, i've got 4 weekdays to work with. Monday, hmm.. almost any normal human gets the monday blues, so let's brand it.. 'ramping up' day - no meetings, we start off with physical activities then leave people to do their housekeeping for the morning, then have 'generative' discussions in the afternoon. Tuesday, have a pull-the-plug by 6 latest and get all to the mess for a drink and/or games. Tuesdays is arguably the longest day of the week - the thought that the week has started and yet i'm still not yet half-way through.. depressing. Wednesday, the mood goes up considerably cos it really is cross the mid-point. The energy is presumably highest among mon-thurs, so let's call this the day of 'ultimate output'. Schedule all ur braincranking-intensive and toughest papers to be worked-on during this day. Then come thursday, not quite here nor there.. but well, it isn't too bad cos the next day's a friday. have another sporting event, and schedule the meeting or 'meet-the-boss' day on this day to discuss and produce what u've come up with over the week, have a mini after-action-review. Tada, that's thurs. So back to friday, crank your brains further to refine your work and get it done before u leave! No meetings though- cos no actions are usually taken by the time the meeting is over cos the week is ending - no continuity and the weekend break could break the train-of-thought which may result in being counter-productive. That said, this is my ideal week for i'd have gotten a better deal than a 5:2 work-life balance. =)

***************
Oh, btw I changed my essay topic entirely from leadership to mil culture (luckily I still had 2 nights to complete it ) - crazy shit huh.

Parting thoughts for the night - Part 2

It's not really about what you say, but rather how others hear you.

I realise I've a big shortcoming. I have a generally high tolerance for things that irk me.. but I realise that exercising tolerance for certain issues sends the message that it is acceptable. That is unacceptable. Ok, my resolution is that I gotta take a stand by not appearing to sit on the fence.

I finally know what I want to write about - The need for and roles of different leadership styles in an organisation.. something like that lah. Of course, i need to do a check on my assumption that these leadership styles I have in mind are inherent personality traits, and that they seldom overlap.

Not convinced? No? Then I hope I've confused you.

Honestly, leadership is the 'easiest' topic for anyone to write on - it's really 'you say what then what lor', and if I have a choice, it's the last thing I want to write on (I prefer to keep it as a blog/ journal entry). Ideally, I want to write about warfighting, something on the strategic level but I am still a novice in that area. Ok, maybe next year i'll try to write an essay related to that. I got yet another goal for the following year!

Reflections

Reflections on Work.. oh, did i just use the word 'work'?

- My philosophy: First & foremost, I will not let the Organisation down. 2. The moment I stop learning and contributing is the time I know I ought to move on.

I was browsing at Borders earlier and I came across this book "the 5 questions you should ask abt your organisation" I didn't really have the patience to read through it, the gist of it (i think) is to see what the mission, vision, values ... of your organisation is. Well, the moment i saw that, i just closed the book and put it down. I didn't need another book to tell me what this is abt, now that i see it on a near daily basis. The odd thing was that while I was walking home later on, it crept back into my mind again. I was just thinking to myself, I know the mission of my organisation, the values.. well, vision? Hmm I'm not too sure on that.. (is it cos it changes yearly or with the change in the higher management?) Sigh. Anyway, I am definitely aligned to the mission and values! In fact, I feel so strongly for the mission, the very existence of it that this idealistic part of me wishes I'll always remain relevant when age catches on. But, what's a little disturbing is that thought that since I am aligned to it, I think I should be happier.

In terms of milestones for the past year, I can summarise it into two phases: the near first half of it was spent more on my personal development. I have never been so driven to dwell at the 'self-improvement' section (and not embarrassed at the very least!). I was kinda shaken up as I became more aware of my flaws, and in the process I think my self-confidence took a dip - and it shows when I am more quiet than usual. And yup, I went through my 'quarter-life' crisis. Now, i'm glad to say i've pulled through that. Moving on, all my milestones pertaining to work came in at the second half. Again, I became more aware of how I am as a subordinate, a fellow colleague, and my working style and weaknesses. I am very thankful actually, that I finally found a reason for my very existence in this organisation. I've learnt alot and grown as a person.. humbly.. Anyway, I've always been on the search for a role-model. So far, I haven't found someone who encompasses all the traits i'm looking out for, but in various areas, some names come to mind. Now, even without a role-model, I have found someone for whom I dare say I'll be motivated and driven to work my arse off, and to go into battle with. For that, I'm very thankful.

******************

I am a little disturbed. Yes I am, with my learning ability/ capacity. I had just attended a coaching course not too long ago, and I was quite switched off, largely cos of the instructor. An ex-military guy who kept going in circles but not getting his point across; very loud in his delivery (so loud that I had no problems hearing, but I stopped listening shortly after.) I compared this to courses I attended at NIE. That.. well, the instructor had very clear KPIs to meet and even though it could get boring, again I was quite put off by the way they tried to establish a rapport with our group of adult learners, making comments like 'yeah, i know many of you are here not because you want to.. ' or ' i know you're here to take a break from work'.. What the hell? Why is the organisation forking so much money for this?? I felt a great pain. Do these people know that this organisation offers the individual PLENTY of opportunities to go for courses so they can develop themselves professionally? Ok, I digress... well, back to that coaching cse.. I felt horrible after that for having such a terrible attitude. And I realised that I allowed my learning attitude and ability to be affected by the quality (rather, the lack of) of the instructor. The good part is that if i get a good instructor, I can literally get 'high' on learning. But if the reverse is true.. sigh, that's what I should guard myself against. Well, now I'm on another course, I just went through another reflection, and this time, I'll pro-actively take charge of my own learning. Well, we'll know on monday if that's going to have the butterfly effect on the rest of the class.. we'll see. Anyway, I believe learning should be fun, and I am a purist in this aspect. Learn for the joy of learning! Learning shouldn't be calculative.

Ok, shucks, I better stop. Time to get started on my essay... well, the truth is I had many ideas that I jotted down on my little black book, and i've been reading up with the hope that i'll be able to come up with something original. Now, another idiosyncracy of mine is that I hate to plagarise ideas. I prefer not to read essays on the same topic for fear of it influencing my thoughts and putting a framework to my work. Yet, I find it quite an insult if i actually have to copy ideas from the past. Sigh, in short, I am not an efficient writer and it proves to be quite painful... most of the time. =S

**

Can't help but want to write this.

I'm just reading about how information technology is everywhere and a "force multiplier". The author gave an example of calls to reach the airline which auto-directs you to a machine before reaching a real person who 's probably in another state or country, all thanks to the advent of fibreoptics, digital communications..

Ok, that para conjured this image of a tele-operator from India speaking indecipherable In-glish... force multiplier huh.. ~May the force be with you - pick your battles, choose your allies.

The wise men of history know best - the person who hired these tele-operators probably picked up a couple of pointers:

"There is at least one thing worse than fighting with allies - And that is to fight without them." - winston churchill

Silent voice

Ahh, it's nice to be winding down on a Sunday night to 90.5fm. It has been a hell of a week - a week of IT "crashing (on my sanity)", bi-a-tch encounters... (Well, as with the boomerang effect spun with a bit of chaos theory, I wish you well)

If anything, lesson of the week - Don't sweat the small stuff. It's time I strategise what I shall do with my two weeks before I go off to Thailand. Things on hand to complete - essay, revise some notes (yes, it's my duty), log into the forum to leave a thread of analysis worth anyone's read... ok, i'll leave it off as such, for the rest's too depressing for me to list.

I'm tempted to try out muay-thai, to feel my adrenaline pumping once again. Hah!

****

Come now, Jennifer Niesslein, dear author of "Practically Perfect in Every Way", I hope you do my $25.15 some justice. I've thrown yet another book into the corner of my cupboard - P.S. I Love you. Again that's one book added to my list of "books I don't know what to do with". I did seriously think about having a mini library in my own home (still building castles in the air), and this is one category of books that I would feel the pinch if I were to just throw/recycle it, yet it's something I wouldn't personally recommend to anyone to read. Hello, headache.

Anyway, I just want an interesting book to take me through a touching, heart-wrenching story, without my mind wandering off less than a chapter into the book - is that too much to ask for? It seems increasingly so... =(

Pss, has anyone noticed that there is an alarming number of books on microtrends/ the undercover economist kind of books springing up at the bookstores? It is absolutely crazy. Yes, there is an increasing number of women who are excelling in math, plenty of this and that. Well, the same goes for books that discuss about something in history. I was just browsing through a book i picked up from MI library on the history of modern wars of attrition - the first chapter was interesting, but the interest died with the details in the following chapters. It is life, perhaps, that we can say so much about things in retrospect, but what can we really say about the future? ..Or something ground-breaking at least?

I got to be more selective with the books I pick now on.

“ A great speech does not just capture the truth of its era; it can also capture the big lie.”
- Simon Sebag Montefiore in Speeches that changed the world

Speeches that moved the masses, speeches that blurred the line between truth and lies. More importantly, a speech that painted a vision, paving the way for the hopeful. Hope, oh yes, hope the devil. I am not a visionary, more of a pragmatic, an idealistic pragmatic. (Well, I’m excited over my latest purchase “Moral Clarity – A guide for grown-up idealists” by Susan Neiman. Wait on for more on this)

I wish I had paid more attention during English class. I wish I had taken more literature classes. I wish I had written more (this excludes engineering reports) There is no doubt that I was born an engineer with a mind for dabbling in physics and math – no regrets on my pursuit of aerospace engineering. It’s just that as I get on with age, I begin to appreciate the presence of art and literature in my life. I enjoyed the Chinese literature classes in secondary school, even though it was delivered by one of the arguably most monotonous sounding teacher. Hey, at least it’s the only class that does not have exams! (We were tested on chinese/Mongolian/cha-cha/ramba/i-can’t-rem-what-else dance then.) One of the most enjoyable classes I took in uni was an English literature class ‘Death and storytelling’. Well, just a bit on the topic, I naively imagined that this class might force me to face up to the harsh reality of death, something which I thought would be something good to learn about. Interestingly, I think I did pretty well for that class, and the prof seemed quite intrigued with the ideas I had, and the ‘unifying’ themes I drew from the awfully morbid books.

The greatest invention I wish for would be..

... A contraption that pens my thoughts when I want it to. Ideas are like gems, and they come and go easily like the wind.. Well, it's not that I have fantastic ideas, but hey, it's still cool to have a e-journal! =P

If this contraception existed, this would be what it would have recorded during my drive from home to vivo:

******
I had a little gathering with some of my cousins, and what was etched pretty deep in my mind was the conversation about jobs - negotiating for OT pay, job satisfaction, the senior getting too settled in their old ways, interviewers looking out for good attitude.. The thought about negotiating for more pay was something that never came up to my mind ever before. ?!?! Why is it so? Is it because I knew since day 1 that that's the rule when i signed on the dotted lines? Yes, definitely, but not entirely. It takes somewhat an idealistic person of sorts to go for jobs/things that they're passionate about over a well-paying job that he/she could have possibly taken up.

Myths about this organisation:

1. People in it are living in a world of their own.
Of course! It is, perhaps, one of the most compassionate and forgiving organisations. Everyone's always given a second chance - of course the pain is that some suffer as a result of mistakes, and it probably does some damage to the person's reputation/performance, but at least he/she doesn't get struck off the list right away. This, to me, is perhaps something I have a hate-love relationship with. Unlike many big and famous corporations out there that have probably have close to zero tolerance for mistakes (which probably draws more mercenary personalities) that still attract highly-competent individuals with the fame & fat pay-cheque, we do not have such a luxury. We do have quite a far bit to go to raising the bar for "job-appeal"solely based on the nature of some parts of the job, and quite sadly that appeal probably applies only to the group of individuals with such likes for the job. (you can see, I choose not to talk abt those who are driven by monetary reasons - hopefully not everyone i know falls under this category! )

2. My boss just plays the big boss.
Can we really afford to all work as individuals? This is the situation which I'd say the boss doesn't recognise that he's part of the team (& he better recognise that he's the team-leader!). You see, regardless of what level you are at in this organisation, whether a great proposal makes it or breaks it depends greatly on how hard the boss is willing to push for it. And just as with any team dynamics, the moment someone in the team is always 'allowed' to slack & have his part of the work spill over to the other teammates, good team relations break down. That is how the 'good' people get overworked and worn out. There is only so much that job satisfaction/ recognition through ranking can mean to the individual & do justice to what the individual has churned. In the 'core theory of success' framework, the 'quality of relationship', 'quality of thinking', 'quality of action' and 'quality of results' are ingredients that altogether form a reinforcing loop. The most important is the quality of results at the end of the day, and yes, our ranking is based solely on drafting a laundry list of 'what I have done this quarter'. However, the real experience, and probably the most memorable moments are those when the quality of relationship is good. How now can we all strive to leverage on our strengths, improve on our weaknesses and strike this ever-so-delicate balance?... Can I be satisfied knowing that I'm constantly trying my best to keep improving, and hope that I'm focusing my energy on the right things at the right time? It wouldn't be enough would it..

This organisation would strive if there are more people who place the interest of the organisation before self. Only when people are selfless in giving first, would the organisation get closer to the 'ideal organisation', and then would people themselves benefit from it more. Again, it's like a reinforcing cycle.. All it takes is the initial step... Hey, it would be really scary to have people who place their self-interest over the organisation to be at the upper echelons...
++++++

Ok, I gotta stop thinking about my work, my job! Why do I want to go to vivo? I miss the time during uni where I would spend a good part of my weekend taking a drive down to gardens/parks in the nearby towns, or to just take a slow walk round and out of campus. The serenity the wilderness afforded me was unbelievably awesome, to be accompanied by a 'zhi zi' would be priceless. Let my mind wander off to the dreamy state, the music playing softly in the background.. the wind... Do I know you? The one I can live with and can't live without? Perhaps, I should start scheduling nature walks during the weekends, a picnic of sorts. Also.. Perhaps, the reason for my restlessness at work is that I'm deprived of the sunshine I love so much. I will SO die in a Scandinavian country.

******

Just vaguely, I remember myself struggling to understand the difference between disposition and position - I must be tired.

Sigh, I dislike the DJ of 90.5 for having a fantastic line-up of songs at this time of the night. Into slumber I do not want yet have to...

"Capacity to ..... " - what did u just say?

Stepping harder on the accelerator, I couldn't wait to get home to pen down my thoughts, afraid they would vanish into the deep abyss of my mind. I had a great conversation with an old friend, sharing the struggles of the reality, our hopes for the future, and reminiscing the good times.

[ Somehow, this simplistic classification of the past/present/future seems to put time on a linear scale. I remember how Einstein once described the theory of relativity in terms of the expansion and contraction of time, analogous to how a minute of life-n-death can seem to drag to eternity whilst a minute of pure enjoyment whizzes by. Well, I would like to think that life exists on the premise of continuity - am i even making sense here? Perhaps I contradict myself. I'd like to believe there are forces greater than life, and even the use of language, bounds such a "force" and limits it to a form, just for the human mind to comprehend.. Well, I digress. =) ]

Being in the privileged position exposes me to much more. And often, the reality is harsher and less-than-perfect than what someone with a "tunnel-vision" would ever comprehend. Seeking to find where one is positioned in the overall strat-map is tough enough. Now, I think the real difficulty of the upper-upper management, really, is the management of one's own emotions n expectations.

I put forth myself as an example (still a small fish in a big pond I recognise). As I get myself more plugged into the ongoing developments, increasingly I find the gaps between what's promised (abt the "future" <- is this even an appropriate description?), the more disappointment I can't help but feel. The untrained mind of mine, immediately thinks, "what's wrong? How could no one have noticed it? Why doesn't anyone do anything about it?". And being the idealist, I find myself increasingly perturbed. Upset? Yes, sometimes.

At this point, my meeting with my dear friend today, shared with me timely words of wisdom. To know more is a privilege, and if I so allow myself to get disillusioned at this point, the game is over.

Perhaps, it really is true, that almost everyone who's passionate about life, would feel enthusiastic at the start of any game. More often than not, many have lost the internal battle and gave up, jaded. It doesn't just happen here. It happens everywhere. How now, should I hold and sustain what little energy and enthusiasm I have now, and keep myself going? Can I always keep up with my current ways of giving my all? To this, I also increasingly find that I know where my energy comes from (from my superiors at least). Empowerment, trust and appreciation.

So anyway, some parting thoughts in a half-f@#$ mathematical scenario-problem(?):

The Facts.
Technology => Capability
Technology = $$$$

The Reality.

Everything boils down to the money. Just like in any country, where the bulk of the country's spendings goes to, serves as an indication for the citizens (n the rest of the world) to realise for themselves where the focus is at. Perhaps I should rephrase - ... is comprehended by the citizen to be the focus of the country's attention.

So with the same frame of mind, we look at defense budget spendings and pass our judgements based on the absolute values.

What if 1 x "Technology-junkie" = $$$, we are left with $ (out of the total of $$$$) to spend on "the rest".

We all recognise that technology is expensive.... and recognising that That IS the reality, is it really true that we are lacking focus in other areas?

We all know that:
Capability =/> Technology

Some wise guru must have figured that out long ago. It's just the minds of the many others that we must convince. It is this gap that we must fill; continuum/continuity we must seek.
Let's not do ourselves in.

If Only...

... Double Negatives becomes Positive in real life - Life would be so much better.

.. there is such a thing as a happy perfectionist.

.. Hope is quantifiable.

If only... is just like a wishlist. Even if this is the hypothetical situation of a genie granting me 3 wishes, I would not, in my last wish, wish that I had infinitely many more wishes that would be granted. It is a human tendency to take things for granted if there is no competing demand resulting in diminishing satisfaction; I do not want to lead a life taking people and or things around me for granted.

This is a night of random thoughts...

Humans also have an unconscious tendency to seek permanence, a sense of security that something will always exist, a safe zone. Someone did ask me before why I never got a tattoo. I suppose apart from the fact that I appreciate natural beauty more (and i can do away with that pain :P), I really can't find something, be it an object or image or word, that I feel so strongly about. I've spent many nights staring at the sky, allowing my thoughts to wonder while I seek the much needed peace and serenity within. Emotionally, I know that I am seeking something, something greater than life. I feel that "it" exists, but in what form and where, I seek to discover...

Recently I watched "The Art of Negative Thinking" during my 4-movie marathon last weekend as part of the Singapore Film Festival. Again, a provocative film that sought to debunk the almost too-good-to-be-true effects of Positive thinking in entirety. The parting thought it left me was one of an image (of myself) reading tonnes of self- (help) enrichment books and asking myself, "so what was that thing about striking a balance? ... "

Back On Track

It has been a while since I last found the motivation to begin penning down my thoughts. As I find myself treading on with life, time and time again the crests of my emotions reach a new high. It has never been the case where I would hold back putting my whole heart into my relationships and work... to summarise, the past half a year has been eventful. But regardless, I still fervently believe that Life is a journey, and that Life IS Beautiful.

Things have not been fantastic at work. To feel that there is so much more I can do, that I want to do, and it's amplified by the fact that I know there is much to learn ... I admit I was disgruntled with the posting I was given initially. There was just so much secrecy about it, leaving only hints of strong and seemingly unbiased judgement. If anything, I wish there would be more honesty and constructive criticism at the workplace. Less personality clashes please, more focus on solving problems. On this note, I've got to digress a little. You know how they say personality plays a large role in shaping one's command type? Though it is still my personal belief that charismatic leaders (at the upper-upper management level) is what a force built on deterrence needs, it can be almost too dangerous if.... I shall not continue with this here.

Anyway, anyone who knows me would know that reading AND filling up my bookshelves is a big part of me - well, it must be a cruel joke this time round as to where this hobby of mine brings me to. Imagine a situation where increased self-awareness (through the lens of others and nights of reflection) coupled with an overly-self-critical trait through all these readings, booms to a modern day repeat of hiroshima. I felt like a small fish in an ocean. There is so much I don't know, so many inadequacies that I have to find ways to make up for / overcome.
After going through a long personal struggle, I do know for sure, that I need to be constantly challenged, both mentally and intellectually. Only when one is put in an area of discomfort would one grow.

Creating the capacity for change, is creating the capacity for progress and building a force to last. Getting entirely caught up with the current takes away the capacity to plan for the future. Not taking the risk to take minor setbacks (while of course still getting the job done in the end) does not help people to grow. It is true that we should leverage on people's strengths to maximise output, but doing that repeatedly to the point of always assigning the same person the same kind of task, takes away the opportunity for everyone to develop and learn.

Enough said about the depressing and mortifying details of my current situation.
I chanced upon a gem at kino yesterday - "How to talk about books you haven't read" by Pierre Bayard.

It invoked an immediate interest (- of course the die-hard cynical in me) as I was heading for the check-out counter. Like an uninhibited little girl, I let out a pretty loud laughter when I read the title. (ok, i know I am easily amused). Anyway, I am just done with the first chapter. It is really funny and witty, so much so that it seems like an almost desperate attempt by the author to fight his case that one really doesn't have to read to have the contextual knowledge. ;) Of course, as I indulge myself in his idealistic world, I do remember that I have a laundry list of serious readings to do - readings that are irreplaceable by not reading. =(( Anyhow, there are some interesting perspectives shared in this book:

" We should tend toward exhaustiveness rather than the accumulation of isolated bits of knowledge... The search for totality changes how we look at each book, allowing us to move beyond its individuality to the relations it enjoys with others."
-- Is it just me but does this remind you of how we (staff writers - gawd, pls de-militarise moi!) should review our work, and moving beyond, to reading and internalising other people's works?