"Capacity to ..... " - what did u just say?

Stepping harder on the accelerator, I couldn't wait to get home to pen down my thoughts, afraid they would vanish into the deep abyss of my mind. I had a great conversation with an old friend, sharing the struggles of the reality, our hopes for the future, and reminiscing the good times.

[ Somehow, this simplistic classification of the past/present/future seems to put time on a linear scale. I remember how Einstein once described the theory of relativity in terms of the expansion and contraction of time, analogous to how a minute of life-n-death can seem to drag to eternity whilst a minute of pure enjoyment whizzes by. Well, I would like to think that life exists on the premise of continuity - am i even making sense here? Perhaps I contradict myself. I'd like to believe there are forces greater than life, and even the use of language, bounds such a "force" and limits it to a form, just for the human mind to comprehend.. Well, I digress. =) ]

Being in the privileged position exposes me to much more. And often, the reality is harsher and less-than-perfect than what someone with a "tunnel-vision" would ever comprehend. Seeking to find where one is positioned in the overall strat-map is tough enough. Now, I think the real difficulty of the upper-upper management, really, is the management of one's own emotions n expectations.

I put forth myself as an example (still a small fish in a big pond I recognise). As I get myself more plugged into the ongoing developments, increasingly I find the gaps between what's promised (abt the "future" <- is this even an appropriate description?), the more disappointment I can't help but feel. The untrained mind of mine, immediately thinks, "what's wrong? How could no one have noticed it? Why doesn't anyone do anything about it?". And being the idealist, I find myself increasingly perturbed. Upset? Yes, sometimes.

At this point, my meeting with my dear friend today, shared with me timely words of wisdom. To know more is a privilege, and if I so allow myself to get disillusioned at this point, the game is over.

Perhaps, it really is true, that almost everyone who's passionate about life, would feel enthusiastic at the start of any game. More often than not, many have lost the internal battle and gave up, jaded. It doesn't just happen here. It happens everywhere. How now, should I hold and sustain what little energy and enthusiasm I have now, and keep myself going? Can I always keep up with my current ways of giving my all? To this, I also increasingly find that I know where my energy comes from (from my superiors at least). Empowerment, trust and appreciation.

So anyway, some parting thoughts in a half-f@#$ mathematical scenario-problem(?):

The Facts.
Technology => Capability
Technology = $$$$

The Reality.

Everything boils down to the money. Just like in any country, where the bulk of the country's spendings goes to, serves as an indication for the citizens (n the rest of the world) to realise for themselves where the focus is at. Perhaps I should rephrase - ... is comprehended by the citizen to be the focus of the country's attention.

So with the same frame of mind, we look at defense budget spendings and pass our judgements based on the absolute values.

What if 1 x "Technology-junkie" = $$$, we are left with $ (out of the total of $$$$) to spend on "the rest".

We all recognise that technology is expensive.... and recognising that That IS the reality, is it really true that we are lacking focus in other areas?

We all know that:
Capability =/> Technology

Some wise guru must have figured that out long ago. It's just the minds of the many others that we must convince. It is this gap that we must fill; continuum/continuity we must seek.
Let's not do ourselves in.

If Only...

... Double Negatives becomes Positive in real life - Life would be so much better.

.. there is such a thing as a happy perfectionist.

.. Hope is quantifiable.

If only... is just like a wishlist. Even if this is the hypothetical situation of a genie granting me 3 wishes, I would not, in my last wish, wish that I had infinitely many more wishes that would be granted. It is a human tendency to take things for granted if there is no competing demand resulting in diminishing satisfaction; I do not want to lead a life taking people and or things around me for granted.

This is a night of random thoughts...

Humans also have an unconscious tendency to seek permanence, a sense of security that something will always exist, a safe zone. Someone did ask me before why I never got a tattoo. I suppose apart from the fact that I appreciate natural beauty more (and i can do away with that pain :P), I really can't find something, be it an object or image or word, that I feel so strongly about. I've spent many nights staring at the sky, allowing my thoughts to wonder while I seek the much needed peace and serenity within. Emotionally, I know that I am seeking something, something greater than life. I feel that "it" exists, but in what form and where, I seek to discover...

Recently I watched "The Art of Negative Thinking" during my 4-movie marathon last weekend as part of the Singapore Film Festival. Again, a provocative film that sought to debunk the almost too-good-to-be-true effects of Positive thinking in entirety. The parting thought it left me was one of an image (of myself) reading tonnes of self- (help) enrichment books and asking myself, "so what was that thing about striking a balance? ... "

Back On Track

It has been a while since I last found the motivation to begin penning down my thoughts. As I find myself treading on with life, time and time again the crests of my emotions reach a new high. It has never been the case where I would hold back putting my whole heart into my relationships and work... to summarise, the past half a year has been eventful. But regardless, I still fervently believe that Life is a journey, and that Life IS Beautiful.

Things have not been fantastic at work. To feel that there is so much more I can do, that I want to do, and it's amplified by the fact that I know there is much to learn ... I admit I was disgruntled with the posting I was given initially. There was just so much secrecy about it, leaving only hints of strong and seemingly unbiased judgement. If anything, I wish there would be more honesty and constructive criticism at the workplace. Less personality clashes please, more focus on solving problems. On this note, I've got to digress a little. You know how they say personality plays a large role in shaping one's command type? Though it is still my personal belief that charismatic leaders (at the upper-upper management level) is what a force built on deterrence needs, it can be almost too dangerous if.... I shall not continue with this here.

Anyway, anyone who knows me would know that reading AND filling up my bookshelves is a big part of me - well, it must be a cruel joke this time round as to where this hobby of mine brings me to. Imagine a situation where increased self-awareness (through the lens of others and nights of reflection) coupled with an overly-self-critical trait through all these readings, booms to a modern day repeat of hiroshima. I felt like a small fish in an ocean. There is so much I don't know, so many inadequacies that I have to find ways to make up for / overcome.
After going through a long personal struggle, I do know for sure, that I need to be constantly challenged, both mentally and intellectually. Only when one is put in an area of discomfort would one grow.

Creating the capacity for change, is creating the capacity for progress and building a force to last. Getting entirely caught up with the current takes away the capacity to plan for the future. Not taking the risk to take minor setbacks (while of course still getting the job done in the end) does not help people to grow. It is true that we should leverage on people's strengths to maximise output, but doing that repeatedly to the point of always assigning the same person the same kind of task, takes away the opportunity for everyone to develop and learn.

Enough said about the depressing and mortifying details of my current situation.
I chanced upon a gem at kino yesterday - "How to talk about books you haven't read" by Pierre Bayard.

It invoked an immediate interest (- of course the die-hard cynical in me) as I was heading for the check-out counter. Like an uninhibited little girl, I let out a pretty loud laughter when I read the title. (ok, i know I am easily amused). Anyway, I am just done with the first chapter. It is really funny and witty, so much so that it seems like an almost desperate attempt by the author to fight his case that one really doesn't have to read to have the contextual knowledge. ;) Of course, as I indulge myself in his idealistic world, I do remember that I have a laundry list of serious readings to do - readings that are irreplaceable by not reading. =(( Anyhow, there are some interesting perspectives shared in this book:

" We should tend toward exhaustiveness rather than the accumulation of isolated bits of knowledge... The search for totality changes how we look at each book, allowing us to move beyond its individuality to the relations it enjoys with others."
-- Is it just me but does this remind you of how we (staff writers - gawd, pls de-militarise moi!) should review our work, and moving beyond, to reading and internalising other people's works?